The beginning, Part Deux..

Like I said in the beginning, there are so much more to me than what people see. I believe I have been through so much more than the average teenager. Family issues. Currently, my mother is the only one out of the seven people that live in my household working. My mother is so hardworking. She works for more than sometimes 12 hours a day, helps out with the church A LOT, and she has to come home to tend to her family and pay the bills. Sometimes this affects me because I feel that I am so selfish at times. It's always "I WANT, I WANT, I WANT" and I never give back. Sometimes I blame myself for my family's current situation. When I was in middle school, I was into everything. I was on the dance team, I went on every field trip, in state and out, and I always wanted new clothes. When I entered into high school, my whole mindset changed. I believe the reason why I am so nice and caring to people is because I've realized how selfish I have been towards my mother. School. I have always been brought up to appreciate school and keep my head in the books. Many people come up to me and say I'm so smart, but the thing is, I don't even look at myself that way. Sometimes I think it's just by luck. My older sister has set such a high standard that I feel I need to be better than her and when I fall short, I take it out on myself. People say I'm lucky because I went to college early. Yes, and no. Oh yea and for the record for all of those who want to talk about me I DID NOT FLUNK OUT OF COLLEGE, I REPEAT, I DID NOT FAIL OUT OF COLLEGE. The only reason I came back is because I had to pay $6,000 out of my pocket and it's not like I could get scholarships or student loans because I haven't graduated. Like are you people seriously jealous of me that you have to spread rumors about something like that? I don't honestly see why you're jealous. Anybody could have done it. Relationships. I have friends, but not many. I have associates, and they are plenty. I just can't trust people these days because when you give them your trust, they take it and run off with it. There are so many fake people out in this world it makes no sense. Why smile in my face and act like it's all good but behind closed doors, you are dogging me out? I just can't hang with those type of people. People have come and go out of my life and it really doesn't phase me because I'm used to it. I trust no one but my family because when it comes down to it, they are the only ones that really matter in the end. When it comes to relationships of the opposite sex, I'm not so good at it. I fall for the guys that hurt me and turn away from the ones that will treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated like. I'm not the type of female to say "Oh guys are dogs" because females can be just as foul too. It's just really hard for me because I always get the same results. A guy and I will be talking for some time and all of a sudden they will get mad at me for no apparent reason and I'm looking like what did I do? If you can't tell me what I did wrong, then you can't justify what you said. It always seems as if we would be talking for over 3 or 4 months before they start to cut me off or they get "cuffed." Why lead me on and let me develop feelings for the kid if you have no intentions of being with me? You are just wasting both of our times. I'm just always the one getting hurt in the end. I just want everything to be perfect, that's why I look back at my flaws and search for new ways to correct the problem, but obviously some guys can't see that. Overall, I have major trust issues because I'm always being let down in the end. Three times in less than two weeks, THREE. I'm just confused as ever about my life. I really need help on finding who I am. Until then, I will continue to be lost in a lonely world..

The beginning..

Okay, so my name is Precious Mulbah for those who don't know me. I really don't know where to start off at this point, but I guess here it goes. I've been through more than the average teenage has been through, believe it or not. There is so much more to me than people don't know. I don't even think my best friend knows. If it's not family issues of whatever family I do have left, then it's school or guys. Me being me, I have always had low self-esteem. I can't really explain why, but I just do. Growing up, people always used to pick on me and tell me I was ugly and I guess I really let that get to me. I mean I still do think I'm not all that attractive but that's not the point. Low self- esteem seems to have become my best friend. It seems as if I'm always down, depressed, and moody but I try my best not to show it and cover it up with a smile. I'm beginning to think my smile is what keeps me going. When I began high school, my low self-esteem really began to kick my butt until somebody walked into my life. I won't mention any names in this blog but he was just someone who loved me for me, no matter what others thought about me. I can truly and honestly say he was my first love. He was like my best friend. It seems as if whenever I brag about something or someone great in my life, I jinx it. I bragged about him to everyone I knew and that's when everything started to go wrong. Bottom line, I ended up cheating on him because of all the pressure. I just wanted to feel loved again and then he cheated on me 10x worse. He's the first guy I have ever shed a tear for. Going through high school I dated and talked to a lot of people. I've been called a hoe before, even though I never had sex with any of these people before. I really do let people's thoughts about me get to me, believe it or not. My love life sucks, well my life just sucks in general. People try to feed me with all of their b.s. lies and I've fallen for it so many times. I have trust issues, and I'm insecure about EVERYTHING! People that I actually do put my trust in always let me down so now I just try to keep to myself. Sometimes I catch myself crying at times and I don't know why. I've been wanting to cut myself and I actually thought about committing suicide a couple of times by overdosing. I've been to a counselor and they said I was diagnosed with depression. Me? At this age? No way. I don't even know who I am. I have yet to find my identity. Until then, I will still be confused...